Chapter 9: Kill Switch PsyOp

July 2025: This chapter is not fully edited. The details are here for closure’s sake.

I don’t remember a lot from September to December of 2023. At some point, I started using drugs with him, but I can’t tell you exactly when it began, and I have a suspicion that he had been secretly drugging me already to help groom me into more elicit drug use. I don’t remember learning he used them, but I do know, that I did not know in July of 2023 (when we took his daughters to San Francisco.) He was a disaster and slept so much of the trip, probably from having no meth. Here’s one the only picture of his daughters from that trip. It’s so painful to have had him and their mom act like I was a monster when they were both using them, and me, to hurt each other.

So a month after that picture, at the end of August, I had already told the police he had “put me to bed,” and that I was so scared of him I had “diarrhea in my sleep.” Which I later realized was likely a result of him drugging and raping me. And within four months of that, I was inhaling whatever he put in front of me.

The drug use was completely wrapped up in the baby-girl state. I was compliant. There were times I had intense and terrifying hallucinations that sent me sobbing to my psychologist, who asked if I had used drugs. At the time I told him no, but now I suspect I had been drugged with hallucinogens. I’ve had mystical experiences, sans drugs, and they were completely, entirely different than what I experienced during this time period.

Eventually, with the added space I gained in the fall, my adult self, (my prefrontal cortex,) began telling him the drug use wasn’t okay. I asked him to stop offering it, explained that I was dissociating, cited the parts of me that would dissociate and have ideations, that what he was doing to me felt like pedophilia. I said it out loud.

He stopped handing it to me directly and started making me hold it, then telling me to inhale.

Then in December, right after the state charged him with assault for the time he gave me a black eye months before. This was a critical turning point. His strategy shifted from manipulation to full-scale psychological warfare.

After receiving the charges, Sean started pushing me toward a complete collapse. trying to get me to overdose, or retract my statement, whichever would bury the threat faster. He repeatedly told me I needed to retract my statement to the police.

He used what he knew about me, my patterns, my traumas, my triggers, not to care for me, but to destabilize me. On top of that, he also showed me a picture of a bound, and decapitated body, and another of a severed head, and told me he had done it, recently, and that he was part of a “pact” of elite men who kill for each other. Later, he recanted and told me he had done that as a NAVY SEAL.

There were times when I’d sit at his feet while he was on the toilet. I’d be shaking and devastated after one of his breakup-return cycles. I’d follow him around like a sick puppy, just trying to be okay again. He’d interrogate me about sleeping with other people after he’d return from being away for days. and then force sexual acts on me like punishment for behaviors I was not even engaging in.

He come back and keep planting seeds of betrayal. He’d “accidentally” tap on messages to other women while I was nearby, then scramble to close them. He did it constantly, just enough to get a reaction, then pretend I imagined it.

If I confronted him, he’d fall back on the script: “I’m doing what you’re doing.” Over and over. “You’re doing what I’m doing.” It confused me at the time, and I kept trying to ratrionalize with him that that could not be true because I was psychoanalyzing myself, engaging in metacognition, holding myself accountable, trying to work on me, and us, and he was…not. But now I realize it was behavioral entrainment. He was trying to get me to cheat.

I didn’t. In general he was obsessed with my sexuality, and sex.

There was a time that I told him I was losing the ability to speak and move during sex, and we had agreed that meant he would stop. He kept going, until I was sobbing, until, my body contorted and twisted in pain, until I could not look out my eyes and control where they pointed. And afterward, when I could finally move, I could not speak, for a good long time afterward. I had not even one thought in my head. He raped me so long I could not even form a thought.

The only times I could think clearly were when would be gone with his son for a couple days. It would become momentarily safe to realize I was being abused, and to want boundaries. That’s when baby-girl would go away, adult-brain or fighter-brain would come online.

I’d get furious. I’d cry. I’d talk to the camera like it was him.

Meanwhile, he was still actively trying to program me to cheat. Just like he used to make me repeat things after sex, he started telling me to make dating profiles. Told me which pictures to use. What to write. Then he’d scream at me about cheating after he left to babysit his son for two days at a time.

Over a year later I realized it was a setup, so he could blackmail me, make me look unstable, and try to protect himself from the possibility of ONE day in jail. He wanted access to my phone, so he could get my contacts to blackmail me, and he did that by engaging my curiosity over whether he was cheating, and told me he’d only show me if I showed him something. He wanted us to trade phones. God the level of sickery here is just gross. This man has teenage children, it’s just disgusting.

I don’t really know where to put this, it’s sort of a set of mostly isolated memories I’d like to forget:

him saying we needed to stop having sex because he had “just found out” the meth he gave me had fentanyl in it. He said it probably numbed me, and that’s why I didn’t notice how bruised my genitals were. I think he was worried a doctor might notice I was being raped.

And one time, as he was getting meth ready, he looked up at me, right in the eyes and said “wouldn’t it be sad if you became an addict and died, and it was because of me?”

That’s what he was doing..because…

He wanted me to retract my statement to the police about him hitting me, because his attorney said everything would go away if I did that. The state had charged him with assault. And the plea deal he was trying to blackmail me to get out of?

One

day

in

jail.

Two years of probation. That’s what he was facing. And even one day in jail was too much for him. God, he brings shame to everyone with a variable in common with him. He should be disowned by the VA, americans, people with penises. Humans. everyone. His existence brings shame to the entire species.

So instead of taking accountability, he tried to break me. He raped me, gaslit me, pushed me into states of terror and collapse. He used psychological warfare to avoid facing what he did. All my suffering was worth it to him. He has absolutely no sense of right and wrong. He is the most perverse, deceitful, vindictive, vitriolic, deviant, disgusting creature i have ever met walking this planet.

He used to go on and on about how he’d never plead guilty, because that would mean admitting guilt. He couldn’t take a plea, because he could never be guilty.

Once I had to talk him into apologizing to his daughters for not sending christmas presents and he literally said that “that’s admitting I’m wrong.” He is that level of committed to his belief system.

So yeah, you know. He ended up getting three years unsupervised probation with 180 days suspended jail. So, he tried to murder me, and he just walks around free. And I almost died while he was trying to avoid what turns out to be unsupervised probation and NO jail.

Unsupervised. Land of the free indeed.