Chapter 4: 404 not found: Hel(p.)

Over the course of the relationship, I attempted to seek help from every plausible source I could identify. I started with the obvious: my father, Sean’s parents, and his ex-wives. Then I turned to institutional support systems. I contacted the VA Caregiver Support Program, clearly describing how his behavior was deteriorating under the influence of his ex-wife and noting that he appeared unable to regulate his actions—posing a danger to both himself and others. At that point, I had not yet identified the patterns of cognitive and physical resets he was already using on me, however, I could identify that we needed help and I reached out for resources.

I made it explicitly clear to the VA that he was not psychologically stable enough to distinguish between me and his ex-wife—he frequently called me by her name and behaved as if he were reliving interactions with her, projecting her antagonism onto me in real time. I had seen something similar before: a friend of my ex-husband’s returned from deployment believing his wife was an insurgent, diving behind furniture and ultimately requiring hospitalization. At the time, I didn’t know how to name it, but what I was witnessing was consistent with trauma-induced projection, dissociative misidentification, and possibly stimulus-triggered re-experiencing common in combat veterans.

I also reached out to the VA social worker assigned to his case when his mental state began to spiral, and was given info for Headstrong, a non-profit that would give him mental health care free-of-charge. I sat with him and did the intake questionnaire over the phone. He did not follow-up for long.

Despite my repeated contact with the social worker, I was eventually ghosted, no explanation, no follow-up. She possibly changed jobs.

I sought out couples counseling options, hoping to find a therapist we could see together. Simultaneously, I continued working with my own psychologist, though my sessions became less frequent under Sean’s pressure to sever ties with outside sources of support.

In the weeks leading up to me asking Sean to move out, the police were called multiple times in response to escalating incidents. During one of those visits, I explained to the officers that he had “put me to bed,” and that I had experienced uncontrollable diarrhea in the bed from what I thought was fear. Something I later recognized as the result of being drugged and raped. I told them he was “messing with my mind” and described behaviors he called cognitive resets. Despite sharing all of this, I was so profoundly dissociated that when they advised me to file for an order of protection, I couldn’t comprehend why they were suggesting it.

After the physical assault that ultimately resulted in criminal charges—the incident where he brought his son over and I believed they were attempting to coerce me into a homicidal breakdown I made him move out and began urgently seeking outside support. I found contacted multiple nonprofits that specialize in providing mental health care to veterans, including Shields and Stripes, America’s Mighty Warriors, and UCLA’s Operation Mend. All of these organizations got back to me and offered support, some for him, both of us, or even his exes and children. Sean ultimately rejected every single one.

I also contacted a nonprofit that provides resources and support for the children of Navy SEALs, believing at the time that Sean had served in that capacity. I reached out to SEALKIDS with the intention of helping his daughters access those benefits and asked his ex-wife Carole follow up to get them enrolled. She never responded. By then, she had aligned herself with Ghislane and had started messaging Sean about what a great job he had done the previous year trying to be involved with the girls despite the fact that she knew I had been responsible for all the contact and he had ultimately abandoned them at Ghislane’s request.

I contacted Adult Protective Services, as Sean is both a disabled veteran and a recipient of Social Security Disability. I reported that his ex-wife was intentionally interfering with his mental health, service-connected disabilities and stability, engaging in behavior that actively undermined his ability to manage his condition. I provided specific examples, including repeated incidents where police were called to our home on holidays based on anonymous reports, such as a fabricated claim that her stolen iPhone was located at my address. These disruptions consistently coincided with significant dates like birthdays and holidays, to the point that her pattern of sabotage became predictable. I expected her to escalate before his (and Carole’s) daughter’s birthday, when we were scheduled to visit California. That prediction proved accurate, he assaulted me, having brought his son over right before we were supposed to leave for that visit, Ghislane had already heard enough over the phone to previously demand that her son be returned, and yet, she still chose to send him back, ultimately ruining the trip we were supposed to take to visit his daughters.

I filed a police report after realizing I had been raped. I filed another after he showed me images of a decapitated body and severed head, claiming affiliation with an “elite group of men who kill for each other.” These actions were taken while I was still in a highly dissociated state. At the time, I had no awareness that I had been drugged multiple times, something I wouldn’t discover for another six months.

I also submitted a formal complaint to the Governor’s Office, about the charges against Sean, warning that Sean’s ex-wife appeared to be intentionally triggering his psychological deterioration and citing my prior alerts to the VA as evidence that the situation had been foreseeable and preventable.

I contacted Child Protective Services multiple times, initially to report disclosures Sean’s son had made to me about his life with his mother. Later, after I had obtained the order of protection and gained distance from Sean, I began experiencing flashbacks and noticing patterns that had previously been obscured by dissociation. I reported these new concerns as well. Investigations were opened, and Sean’s son was interviewed three separate times. Unfortunately, it became clear that the individuals conducting the interviews may not have been adequately trained to recognize the behavioral patterns of a child who has been groomed into silence—especially by a parent with military training and a history of psychological manipulation. The boy had already been conditioned by both parents not to speak, and the subtlety of that conditioning was not, in my view, properly assessed.

Still deeply dissociated, I scheduled an appointment with a licensed psychologist for couples counseling, hoping it might interrupt the escalating dysfunction. Sean agreed initially, and we completed a one-hour intake over the phone on the last day I ever saw his son, coinciding with the discovery of the disturbing penis drawing and my realization that the child was still being exposed to abuse in his mother’s home. Despite agreeing to the process, Sean later refused to attend the counseling sessions and I ultimately broke up with him that week.

After obtaining the order of protection, I consistently reported Sean’s violations to law enforcement and remained in regular contact with the detective assigned to the case.

Separately, I reported Sean to the DEA after he told me directly that he was selling drugs and warned that I’d be stalked or harmed by dangerous bikers if I ever spoke out. I also filed a police report when he repeatedly pressured me to retract my original statement and submitted an audio recording of him making that request, which clearly constituted witness tampering and coercion.

I contacted the victim advocate assigned through the prosecutor’s office and informed them that Sean had admitted to both using and selling drugs. I’m still unsure why he was never drug tested, despite these disclosures. I also submitted victim impact statements as part of the legal process, along with follow-up addendums during a five-month period in which I briefly relapsed into the relationship. During that time, his substance use appeared to decrease to almost nothing and his violent behavior had temporarily diminished substantially. I did not retract any of my previous statements, but noted the apparent success of his participation in domestic violence classes, counseling and the new approaches I was taking.

I found academic papers, and resources online on the neurobiology of Dissociative Identity Disorder and the defense cascade, and I recognized striking patterns that aligned with both Sean’s and my trauma responses. I spent hours studying and teaching this material to him. Together, we began using neurobiological terms rather than traditional psychological language, it was less emotionally charged, reduced shame, and made it easier to recognize and shift behaviors in the moment. I also developed simple, adaptive tools we could use when triggered, including word games to interrupt intrusive thought loops. Sean would often initiate these games himself when he felt overwhelmed. We even established a coded system using Christmas songs (regardless of the season) as a nonverbal signal that one of us was triggered and needed to exit a situation or de-escalate internally.

Sean was required to attend court-mandated counseling twice a month, once through the VA and once with a designated advocate. However, these interventions proved grossly inadequate. He was not honest with either provider about the extent of his behavior or the psychological harm he was inflicting. He often referred to his ability to “compartmentalize,” which I recognized as a form of dissociation, he could rapidly shift states and project a polished, compliant personality that reflected exactly what any given authority figure wanted to see and hear, making it nearly impossible for outsiders to detect the depth of his dysfunction or the harm he was causing behind closed doors. One of his providers even considered reducing sessions to once every other month, believing he was making significant progress. I repeatedly told him that recovery was impossible without honesty, both with himself and with his providers. I reminded him that I had disclosed my own mental health struggles when I became suicidal or had thoughts of harming his son, even though those symptoms may have been the direct result of his grooming and coercion.

Around the time we got back together, I needed dental work and didn’t have coverage. Sean took the initiative to schedule the appointment, figure out all the details, and pay for it, classic lovebombing behavior. I had been venting about how frustrating it was that my ex-husband refused to use any of his VA counseling or medical benefits, saying that if I had access to those free resources, I would’ve been in a much better place (especially since I’d spent over $6,000 out of pocket on therapy). Sean, who despised my ex, didn’t want to be seen as anything like him, so he booked a series of appointments for himself, including one with a psychologist. But when he told his court-appointed counselor, she discouraged it, saying that seeing another mental health provider “might confuse him.” This was the same woman who wanted to reduce his mandated sessions to once every other month because she thought he was “doing so well.”

During this time he and I both filed police reports after Ghislane stole his identity and subsequently threatened to kill me when the police questioned her. Her exact quote: “I’m going to publish videos of you cutting yourself, which I have. I hate you. I’m going to kill you.” She sounded like an 8-year-old and I knew she had no videos.

After the abuse resumed, I again contacted the victim advocate and filed new police reports. I documented incidents of stalking, harassment, and property damage, specifically when he vandalized my car and followed through on prior threats by contacting my employer and friends. I reminded the police that he had explicitly threatened to do these things, and that I had previously submitted recordings as evidence of witness tampering.

I also called the Veterans Crisis Line and disclosed the full scope of the abuse. In addition, I contacted the Veterans Justice Outreach program to report his ongoing psychological deterioration and the lack of any meaningful intervention, despite his enrollment in the diversionary court program.

I contacted the Mayor’s Office to question why Sean was still being allowed to participate in Veterans Court, a diversion program intended to reduce sentencing, despite continuing to commit crimes, including active domestic violence. What is the purpose of court-mandated DV classes that delay sentencing if someone is allowed to continue abusing their victim throughout the process?

I also informed my church about what was happening. At that point, I felt I had covered every possible base, reporting to law enforcement, protective services, federal programs, advocacy groups, and even city officials. And still, he’s out there. Based on the guidelines of the Veterans Court program, he should have been removed for continuing to commit crimes while enrolled. I can’t understand why he’s still being allowed to live freely in the community, despite a clear and escalating pattern of dangerous behavior.

I felt, and still feel, deep concern for the sex workers he’s admitted to visiting. If this is how he treats partners and the mothers of his children, I can only imagine how much more vulnerable those women might be. I would not doubt for a second if I heard he had murdered women. It’s chilling to know that he is walking free, trying to date, and he moves through the world as if none of this happened, blaming it on everyone but himself, while I’m left holding the wreckage.